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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26243041">To Be A Being</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woodpelt_the_pussycat/pseuds/Woodpeltneko'>Woodpeltneko (Woodpelt_the_pussycat)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Adventure Zone (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Autistic Barry Bluejeans, Barry Bluejeans has anxiety, Body Dysphoria, Body Image, F/M, Having a body, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Fatphobia, Lich Barry Bluejeans, Major Character Undeath, Mild Suicidal Ideation, Undeath, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000, alter self, being fat isnt a bad thing!, having a body is a strange experience, mild unreality, ring of alter self, self-harm via recklessness, the starblaster, the way Barry talks about himself is mildly upsetting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:13:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,879</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26243041</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woodpelt_the_pussycat/pseuds/Woodpeltneko</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Barry doesn't like his body. He's only really himself in his lich form.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Barry Bluejeans/Lup</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>To Be A Being</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The cycle resets and once again Barry finds himself in a body. It’s always been a bit jarring for him, going from being in his spectral lich form to fully human again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Barry can’t help but sigh. Going from intangible to this… body. He tries not to look down at himself. It takes him a moment to move from that spot, and when he does it feels like so much more effort than it should be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This body. Barry tries not to let on how little he likes it. It’s getting harder though, to keep that secret. Especially when he has such an easily accessible alternative. They’re less than 10 minutes into this cycle and he’s already considering ways he might get out of his body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sits down on the couch. Lup’s close by, of course. She’s a more tactile person than she seems, she always wants to hold him when they get their bodies back. He doesn’t get why she likes his body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lup is different from him. She’s long and elegant and perfect. She’s everything his body isn't. She deserves to love someone with a better body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s tried in past cycles to make himself better for her, and the exercise makes him strong, but never less... big, and then the year finishes and he’s back to square one. He hates it. He likes his lich form because he has a bit more control over what he looks like. He feels more deserving in his lich form.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, Lup’s never expressed any dislike for his body- quite the opposite in fact- but he </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows</span>
  </em>
  <span> she deserves better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Barry watches vaguely as they do their flyover of the world, but when they land he goes back to his room. Well, technically it’s Lup’s room, but they share it now. He pointedly avoids looking in the mirror and lays down on the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lup walks in a few moments later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you feeling okay, Bear?” she asks gently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just, uh, tired,” he responds, shuffling himself under the blankets.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Want me to leave you alone?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He never said he wasn’t selfish. “No. Could we cuddle, actually?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She smiles at him and lays down next to him. She wraps her arms around him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. He can't help but smile back. Against all odds she likes his body. The body that he hates. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s like she doesn’t see the same thing he sees when looking at his body. Barry looks at his body and sees… Well, he sees fat. He’s chubby, and his thighs almost always touch, and his face is round. He hates it. He doesn’t get why Lup likes his body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows she’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>lying</span>
  </em>
  <span> about liking his body, he just doesn’t understand. She knows on some unspoken level that he doesn’t like the way he looks. He’s never been confident. He doesn’t think she knows how much he hates it though.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s reckless. He silently dares any hostile creature to tear his body apart. He jumps in between his family and razor sharp claws, even when Magnus is close enough to block attacks with his shield. He brushes off Merle’s offers to heal him, insisting it’s never as bad as it looks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows Lup notices, but she doesn’t say anything in particular. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Long, sharp claws stab into his chest, and he prepares to blast the shit out of the monster when his lich form rises, but he doesn’t get to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Barry sits up in bed suddenly, the wounds reduced to dull, aching scars. He curses out loud and slams a fist into the mattress. He had been so sure that was going to kill his stupid body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door opens and he looks up. He meets Lup’s eyes and instantly feels worse. She worried about him. Even though he would have just gone into his lich form. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How, um, How long was I out?” he asks carefully. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just a couple days,” she responds. Lup closes the door behind her and sighs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shifts uncomfortably. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Barry, um…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t meet her gaze</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Were you trying to go lich?” she asks, and he thanks every god that she didn’t phrase it any different.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kind of…?” He pauses, thinking about what he can say without worrying her even more. “I thought we were going to lose that fight, I figured… it wouldn’t be too bad if I was in my lich form?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Barry, we won that fight without any other issues.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He winces. “I, uh, I guess I panicked?” Another thing he isn’t above: Using his anxiety as an excuse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lup sighs and sits down on the bed next to him. “What do you like so much about your lich form?” she asks, seeing completely through the excuse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Barry swallows hard. “I- I can, I mean, I have more control?” At this point everything he says sounds like a question, like he’s wondering if she’ll believe him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She frowns. “You… You like the power?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not the- um- I mean, </span>
  <em>
    <span>control</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” He chews his lip nervously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Control of what, babe?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a long pause.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Barry?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looks back up at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you feel like you need control of?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s asking him so outright at this point, and he knows he can’t lie to her, and if he doesn’t answer she won’t stop asking. “Myself,” he mutters. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lup looks at him, curious and concerned in equal measures. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My body, the way I look,” he tries to clarify.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Barry…” She looks like she’s trying to find a way to protest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You… Um, you like my body, I know that, but that doesn’t… I can’t- It doesn’t make sense?” He stumbles over the words, talking in short bursts and cutting himself off intermittently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I- I hate my body, Lup, I know that’s- that’s bad, right? But I- my body, it’s so… I hate it. It’s f- I can’t look the way I want when I’m in this body.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a pause.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do you want to look, Barry?” she asks carefully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-” He cuts himself off, realizing he doesn’t really have an answer. He thinks for a moment, and Lup lets him. “I want to be more, um- I want to be more like you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She raises an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t mean like, a woman, I meant like, your body type, I guess?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean skinny, huh?” she concludes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, yeah?” he responds. “Isn’t that much sort of obvious?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Barry, not everyone’s built to be skinny, and that’s okay. You don’t have to be skinny to look good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He frowns. “I don’t- I’m… It’s not just that I’m not skinny, I- I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>fat</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She mirrors his expression. “No you’re not, and even if you were, that wouldn’t matter. Barry, it’s not a bad thing to be fat, you know that right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” He trails off. He stands up, walks over to the mirror. Lup trails after him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Barry? What do you see?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s half naked, his chest bandaged on one side, but otherwise topless. He pokes his stomach, letting his finger sink into his fat, pinches it. “Fat,” he responds, trying not to look at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She bats his hand away gently, then places her hand on his stomach. “Soft. Gentle,” she tells him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shakes his head, moves her hand. Barry touches his jaw. “My face is round. It makes me look like an overgrown child.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lup kisses his cheek. “I think your face is very kissable.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” he shakes his head again. “I don’t know what you see in me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looks a bit frustrated, but mostly concerned. “Barry… You’re handsome and kind, and you’re gentle even though you’re strong. I love you, Barry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I- I know you love </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>, it’s… this body isn’t…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She catches his hand and brings it up to touch his cheek. “Barry, you feel that, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” he responds, puzzled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Barry that’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What…?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That isn’t just a body that belongs to you, that's </span>
  <em>
    <span>you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> You </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  <span> this body, this body is </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He blinks at himself in the mirror over her shoulder. “That… That doesn’t make sense. I can </span>
  <em>
    <span>be</span>
  </em>
  <span> outside of this body, I can live without this body. This body isn’t me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Barry… I don’t know how to explain this right, but… You’re a person. You’re not just a lich in a body, you’re a real person. This is </span>
  <em>
    <span>your</span>
  </em>
  <span> body, not just </span>
  <em>
    <span>a</span>
  </em>
  <span> body.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He bites his lip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What can I do to make you understand that, Bear?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… hm. I don’t know,” he responds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looks thoughtful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So I just think about what I want to look like when I activate it?” Barry asks, holding the ring in one hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taako nods. “Again, it can’t make you taller by more than, like a few inches, or give you extra limbs, but that’s pretty much it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Barry glances at Lup, who looks concerned. Taako also seems pretty uncomfortable with the situation. Barry clears his throat. “Thanks, Taako,” he says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taako leaves their room, and Barry looks at himself in the mirror, taking mental note of everything he needs to change. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He whispers the activation phrase to the ring and slips it on with his eyes closed. When he opens his eyes, he sees himself in the mirror. He’s noticeably thinner, his thighs don’t rub together when he shifts his weight, his jaw is more defined and his hair is a bit neater. His eyes are a slightly brighter blue. He could fit into Lup’s clothes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shuffles around, putting on the shirt that Lup had picked for him, which is meant to fit this new body but is still a bit baggy on him. He runs his fingers through his hair a couple times, then turns back to the mirror.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Barry looks at himself, and looks at himself and looks at himself some more. He takes the shirt off. He stares at himself. He messes up his hair a bit. Stares again. Turns side to side a few times. Keeps staring. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Barry?” Lup asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t understand,” he mutters.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What don’t you understand?” she asks gently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I- this is what I want, I don’t- Why does it feel so bad?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lup nods sympathetically.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looks back at her. “This was supposed to feel good- Lup, this is what I wanted, I don’t understand.” He looks at the mirror one more time before slipping the ring off. Back to himself. He scrubs at his eyes, trying not to cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Barry,” Lup starts carefully. “You know why I suggested this, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nods, turning to her. She opens her arms for him, and hugs him tightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She takes the ring out of his hand. “That wasn’t you, Barry. This is you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He trembles slightly in her embrace. “M’ sorry,” he mumbles into her shoulder. “I don’t know what I want.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lup nods, presses a kiss to his forehead. “We can figure it out, Bear. I’ll help as much as I can, but Barry?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looks up at her through tear stained glasses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve gotta believe me when I tell you that I love you no matter what you look like.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nods, squeezing her tighter. “I just hope I can feel like I deserve it some day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promise you, Barry, you will.”</span>
</p>
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